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The power of a live shower

The word 'transparency' is thrown around a lot in marketing nowadays. So, to spread the word about , let's show just how transparent really is by exposing your CEO in all their glory. A Facebook live stream will show them off right down to the smallest detail. The more likes we get, the steamier we'll make it.

Focus-free – the app that reads minds

What are thinking? What makes them tick? Why aren't they more interested in ? Let's create an app that can answer all these questions and really get inside the head of . An app that will make them stop and think, putting the 'app' in 're-app-ropriating your thoughts'. They'll want more before they even think about having the thought of wanting more.

The ultimate underdog

love an underdog! Become the Schnitzel Von Krumm of the global market by taking on the biggest of boys – Apple. They've had their place in the sun, and now it's your turn. Your new i- should get their attention and kick off a massive PR campaign earning you millions of column-inches and dollars-worth of lawsuits – a small price to pay for global fame.

Milli Vanilli, realli?

Remember Milli-Vanilli? certainly do. Apparently bicycle pants are on the way in too. Capitalise on both of these amazing facts by getting the remaining member to lip-sync 's pre-existing jingle. We'll be keeping the costs down too, because nothing's actually being recorded. "Girl you know it...girl you know it...girl you know it's ."

The political stunt of a lifetime

Water? Food? Shelter? This is 2017, and all that kind of survival stuff's just so old-fashioned. We'll drop our dear Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern into North Korea with nothing but and see how she does. We'll live stream it for 3 riveting weeks, proving that you can't actually live without it. 'Let's this!'

Play last year's ad backwards

If last year's ad worked wonders, imagine what kind of subliminal messages you can sneak in to it when it's played backwards! This year take the term cutbacks literally and cut your ad backwards. won't know whether to fast forward the ad or rewind it; all they'll know is they really care about (and may want to assassinate Ronald Reagan). A huge plus is that it will be ready to play forwards again the next year, thus avoiding those pesky 'rewinding fees'.

Leverage a celebrity death

What do love more than influencers? Dead influencers. We'll fake the deaths of affordable B-Grade celebrities, Jono & Ben by staging an elaborate accident involving . Once all the fuss has calmed down we'll then stage the world's first celebrity reincarnation and claim it was that brought them back to life.

Quick draw ads

Ever find yourself staring mindlessly out the window? sure do. We'll hijack that moment with an army of semi-literate window washers and turn them into window brain washers. Armed with nothing but a squeegee and a permanent marker, they'll hurriedly scribble your message on the window right in front of their eyes: "Wodniw, wodniw no eht llaw, s'ohw eht tseb dnarb fo meht lla?..."

Your Bain ambassador

Want a brand ambassador that'll stir up the headlines? David Bain's your guy. He's controversial, well-known, and love him. Plus, who wouldn't want a trademark David Bain sweater with a giant logo on it?! We're going to change the conversation from "did he do it, didn't he do it" to "how can I get away with getting more ?"

Tattooed babies

Everyone loves babies, no one more than . So we'll run a guerrilla campaign infiltrating maternity wards and tattooing the logo onto their cute little tummies for everyone to fawn over. Getting the word out about will be easier than taking candy from your new media channel.

Win a Kiwi legend

Diamonds are forever, and so is the legacy of controversial 1970's Prime Minister, Robert Muldoon. Love him or hate him, Rob Muldoon's a household name for , so now when they engage with , they'll be in the draw to win a wearable diamond in the rough - in the form of an actual diamond, made from the ashes of the big man himself.

Exploding starbursts

Retail advertising is losing its spark amongst . So we'll redesign the ultimate graphic device: the humble starburst. Our Exploding Starbursts will make a big noise about and really grab your attention when they explode in your face. Forget the art department, let's call in the pyrotechnics peeps.

The edible adshel

The best way to speak to is through their stomachs and noses. We'll create an adshel out of laboratory-grown meat and spray it with a distinctive scent to spread the message about . And to show really do care, when the media placement's finished, we'll feed it to hungry families in need.

The Robo-bassador

Notice how the Briscoes lady doesn't age? That's because she's actually a robot. Imagine the cost savings when you wheel out your very own Robo-bassador to front all of your branded comms to precious . They'll sing the praises of for millennia to come. "Hasta la , baby."

Bring back the king

We'll take the cryogenically-frozen DNA scraped off Elvis Presley's final, half-finished hamburger, and resurrect him to recreate a tune for you so heart-warming, will be in tears every time they hear it. Imagine the one and only Elvis Presley belting out one of his classics to the tune of . "Don't you step on my " or "I can't help falling in love with "

Make it a pill

How will be able to carry around with them everywhere they go? Simple, we'll take all the good things about and squash it into a compact pill. at the beach, in their car, at their grandmother's house. The smaller is, the more of it will need!

Gull-Space™ free media on the wing.

will point to the sky and wonder: "Is it a bird? Is it a plane?" No, it's a bird with the logo on it, spreading the word of ". Using a special mixture of hot chips and hot chips, we'll trap all the seagulls and sign them up to Gull-Space – the latest and most annoying media channel in the sky.

Back in time taglines

, 'Just Do it'. Imagine that. We'll send you back in time so you can claim the most iconic tagline ever made, before it was even a twinkle in a creative's eye. It's already proven to work, so you can't lose. It'll be sure to drive up awareness for , especially amongst .

The world's loudest Ad

will only listen when they're yelled at. So we're going to blow the wax out of their ears with our latest omni-channel- synchronised, multi-dimensional, eye and ear take-over. No matter where they go, they'll never be able to escape .

The Robo-dashian

The Kardashians are already being used by other brands, and word is they're quite expensive. Bugger that, let's just create our own Kardashian to spread the word about . Meet Kelly-Anne '' Kardashian. The avatar-influencer with an unfeasible anatomy, pre-loaded with 100k Instagram followers, most of whom are .

The water-skiing Pukeko

You've heard of driving dogs, now meet, 'Puke, The Water-Skiing Pukeko'. Cos if there are three things that love, it's endangered birds, water, and sports. Our latest stunt will combine all three in a sporting event that'll make the 2011 Rugby World Cup look like a bookclub. Step aside Ritchie, here comes a water-skiing pukeko wearing branded boardies.

Own a traffic jam

Imagine , having just finished a long day of work, sitting in traffic on a scorching hot afternoon listening to the drive show on the radio. Suddenly the hilarious radio DJ banter is interrupted, announcing a world-record sized pile up on the motorway that's estimated to last for three days, and it was all caused by massive trucks moving exceptionally slowly. That'll stop in their tracks.

The Blumenthal native food festival

The British celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal can create culinary magic out of anything…even if it's not necessarily culinary. We'll get him to host the world's first native species food festival, sponsored by none other than . will love seeing how he can create a inspired Maui dolphin burger, a Kakapo roasted pancake or a smoothie containing nothing but and Tuatara (the lizard not the beer).

Monkey magic

It's getting harder and harder to appeal to , so let's get some totally new creatives to have a crack. Luckily, recent research shows that chimpanzees actually make great creatives. They can come up with any idea you like, as long as it's a monkey flashmob featuring way too many bananas. But, so the saying goes, a room full of monkeys with typewriters will eventually turn out the works of Shakespeare, but only a creative department full is needed to come up with an idea for . Just be warned, this bunch aren't the most receptive to feedback – just ask their previous clients.

Extras! Extras!

If can't see themselves in the brand, let's make that possible by using the biggest talent pool the country's ever seen. Our next ad will feature every single person in the country. Because after all, is all about diversity, so surely our 15 second TV ad should reflect that?

Start a start-up

Want to get away with more edgy ads that will really connect with ? Let's take back to its roots by moving into an old food truck bought off Trade Me, or your mum's oil- stained garage. We can already smell the authenticity. Or is that just the remnants of melted ice cream that's seeped into the floors of that truck?

Fake an alien invasion

What could get cut-through with more than fake Martians injecting them with ? "We come in peace and we're here to spread the word about ". After we reveal it's a hoax, it'll be too late, the brand will be everywhere. Don't worry about any backlash, after all, rumour has it Area 51 is just a giant Coca-Cola factory.

Eddie the 'eat everything' influencer

They're called 'influencers' for a reason. will literally do anything they do. And so what if isn't necessarily for eating, they're still engaging with it. Introducing FCB's new vlogger, 'Eddie eats everything', the influencer with an appetite for putting the name out there, by putting stuff in his mouth.

Get the Muppets to run your call centre

"Hi ho, you're speaking with Kermit, can I interest you in ?", "Would you like one ah ah ah, two ah ah ah, or three ah ah ah?" Nothing will get signing up with faster than spicing up your call centre. Plus 70s puppets are cheaper than hiring overseas.

Go Viral

Everyone wants their message to go viral, but until now, there's been no way to guarantee it. The answer? Create your own actual viral disease where symptoms reveal logo in the form of a rash, microscopic cells, or a formation of trained lice. Leave it to to spread it organically to all four corners of the world.

Road kill-vertising

Kiss crippling talent and media costs goodbye with Road Kill-Vertising. Nationwide placement space is free with Road Kill-Vertising, and let's face it, those dead mini-sandwich boards aren't taking anyone to court for unpaid rollovers. The can't-look-away appeal for makes Road Kill-Vertising a dead set winner.

Home invasion expo

are a multi-channel, multi-device mutating audience and everyone is using big data to engage with them. To stand out, you need a fresh approach. Instead of reaching your audience on screen, get into their homes the old fashioned way. Break in! You won't have to pay big bucks to fight for space, and your ads will never fail to reach your target audience.

Smoke alarm jingle

These days, radio just doesn't get the same cut through with that it once did, so how can you get your catchy jingle stuck in their head? Simple: replace the screeching sound of their smoke alarms with ads singing the praises of your . What better way to build their trust in than getting them to always think of you during an emergency.

Taser campaign

Taser ads are the new teaser ads and when it comes to shifting , stopping in their tracks beats an influencer strategy every time. Proximity sensors trigger taser bursts as potential customers walk by, turning every one of them into a captive audience. Make use of that 6-to-10 minute recovery time to drive home your message.

Ultrasound radio

“Get ‘em early and you've got ‘em for life.” New technology brings this old advertising adage into the 21st century with ultrasound radio ads. And with latest research revealing just how heavily external stimuli influences the unborn child, ultrasound radio advertising is more relevant to than ever. Those unborn foetuses will emerge bubbling with brand loyalty and love.

Start a religion

Take brand loyalty to a whole new level by converting disinterested into brand disciples. Religious zeal can inspire total belief in your brand, plus, as a religious organisation, you get that all important tax-exempt bonus. With the IRD and some obscure Norse god on your side, can't fail.


love a brand with a higher purpose and, as charities for humans are so 2017, that means saving an endangered animal. Problem is, all the cutest ones have already been snapped up. Currently there are only 3 still available. Sign up now and will have all over it like a pangolin on an ant hill.

Porno placement

Porn sites are the most popular sites on the web, but in this environment, ads popping up over the action can instantly turn brand love into bitter brand rejection. The solution? Make part of the action. Creative use of product placement or strategically placed branding ( tramp stamps for example) will drive market penetration harder for longer in this lucrative environment.

Say it in 0.06 seconds

6 is the new 60 when it comes to ad duration. In fact research shows that the attention span of is still shrinking. For to achieve maximum effectiveness across all channels, optimum ad duration is now calculated to be 0.06 seconds. A single frame ad inserted into movie footage will, according to leaked CIA documents from the 1970's, result in long-lasting psychological impact without consumers even knowing they've seen it.